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December 1998 Collaboration

I'm still very young (23) and I have very mixed feelings about getting older. I'm stuck in that awkward time (like puberty) where I'm happy/sad that I'm growing out of one stage in my life and happy/sad that I'm growing into a new stage. Being a reasonably recent college graduate (December 96, a semester early yay!), I feel sad that I've left my friends in college. Even when I graduated, I still lived in the same town working for the University for over a year, so I was still able to see friends and hangout like a college student. I was essentially a college student that worked instead of going to classes and got money doing something that I loved! The ideal job! Well, the money for my funding ran out and I needed to get "a real job"... which lead me out of Champaign-Urbana back to my childhood home in New Jersey in early 1998. Even growing up in Jersey, it was like a culture shock. I had become a midwesterner through-and-through and adjusting to city live and becoming a yuppie was frightening. I felt almost like a fish out of water. I didn't know anyone (thankfully, my partner came with me to seek a 'new life' out here in the east coast, so I'm not completely lonely). Making new friends is emotionally draining for me when I know no-one. In college it was easy. I just needed to join the club of my choice and I could meet like-minded people starving for the same friendships. The city is different. Even my workplace wasn't what I had expected. I expected other nerds like myself. The geeks from ACM (Association for Computing Machinery, the largest computer-related student organization at the U). I was wrong. My coworkers are from different subcultures. They watch Ally McBeal and Melrose Place and talk about the Yankees. They went to bars and didn't tool with their computers after work. They are nice people.. some of them are great, but they aren't cut from the same cloth as the friends I had in college... and I have a hard time relating to them with the same intuitive way as my friends from school. I miss my friends from school and it's sad to see them scatter to the winds... and when I first came here, I felt a great deal of sadness. This summer, I turned 23 and because 23 is my favorite number, I decided to really start exploring and "living" for the rest of my life. I've always been interested in body adornment like piercing and the last time I saw Tori (one of my best friends from college), the most prominent image was of her beautifully pierced ear. So, I decided to get my left ear double pierced. It was a liberating experience for me and very personally empowering. I felt beautiful after I was pierced. Ever since I was in elementary school, I sought the company of people online and I started immersing myself into the bodyart online culture. I became chatty on IRC again and I made quick friends in the subculture from NYC. I've never felt so good about getting older! I'm 23 and financially independent and I learned that instead of moping I should celebrate what I have and push it to the next stage of my life. I have the belief that everyone is like a beautiful thread. Sometimes the threads twist and twirl when we come together and become friends and share beautiful experiences... but sometimes those threads wander elsewhere and engage themselves in other knots. That's all part of life and we should cherish and celebrate those wonderful times instead of regretting the "future that is not to be". Oh boy, Iko, you are really rambling. Back to the question... So, I think you can see how I can be both happy and sad about getting older. I think people feel that way whenever you are going through transitions and major life changes: excited about entering a new stage in their life and yet frightened by it. About knowing that I'm going to get old.. well, I know I'm getting older but I don't know if I will get old. My family has a history of illness and early deaths. When I was in junior high, I believed that it would be amazing if I hit 30. I still think it will be an accomplishment and it will be amazing if I hit 40. With that general outlook, I'm not sure if it will ever really hit me that "I'm going to get old". I have dreams and I've got hopes for my future, but they are all pretty short-term (5 years) goals. No long-term goals. Perhaps the first day that I make a long-term goal will be the first time that I will realize I will get old. The thing I fear the most about the aging process is thinking about what illness will take me first. <grin> Doesn't that sound absolutely grim? It's not really meant to be. It's the honest truth. Will my arthritis make my life a daily hell? Will my heart give out? Will I go insane? (Some people would argue that I already am.. hmm..) I don't like taking medicine 'cause I believe that my future will be full of medication and the less I put into my system now will maybe give me a fighting chance in the future. However, as best I can paraphrase Maude from the wonderful play of Harold and Maude, "That's all mindless speculation and not worth my stress." Something like that. I try not to let it worry me, even though I am a natural worry-wart (you should see me plan events). Aging is taking the knocks that life decks to you and learning how to deal with them in the right manner. Do I duck? Do I step back? Side step? Block? Nothing like growing older can teach one to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I am enjoying getting wiser and amassing experiences. Who wouldn't?

© Copyright 1998, Eileene Coscolluela
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