The Mind's I: iko's journal

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February 13, 1999

Off to war..

No picture today either.

I didn't have the strength to do it.

I spent the morning trying to clean up my room and work a little bit with the computer. The afternoon brought the time I needed to really do errands, one of which was to bring my laundry to be dry cleaned. I borrowed my father's car and dropped off my laundry. Then, I decided to go to Time Warp to get Mike's Valentine's Day gift. I thought I would get him some anime. It's something that we have definitely been missing in our entertainment diet. When I got there, I had a tough time deciding between getting Neon Genesis Evangelion (also known as Eva) or something that I know neither one of us has seen before. I decided to go on the safe side and get us something that we haven't seen before. I wasn't sure what Eva episodes Mike has seen already. I later discovered that we have only episodes 12 and 13 left to watch. Otherwise, we've seen the entire series. That's something that I want to eventually get on tape, subtitled. The entire Eva series. It's good stuff. Thinking about this, I thought I should put together my Wish list. I remember my friends in college doing "wish lists", but I never did one. Perhaps it would be a good thing to list all the various things that I like receiving as presents.

Well, while I was at the store, I spotted a copy of Seafarers of Catan. I have see it before, but only in the German version of the game. This one was the newly releaed American version. I quickly snatched it up. It would be the perfect gift for him. I gave Mike Cities and Knights, but it was the German version of the game, and not the English. I think this has greatly discouraged me from playing it and now with the English version of Seafarers, I would be able to play it with him. Atleast, I'll be more willing to play with it.

I took my newly purchased treasures (along with a copy of Animerica Extra that is currently doing a series of Video Girl Ai (Ai Amano) comics that I enjoy) and walked outside the shop... when one of my fainting-feeling spells hit me. I was starving and needed food now. So, I went to the pizzaria next door and had a slice along with a large pop. I didn't have to eat much when I felt much better. I don't know why that happens. It scares me sometimes, the feeling of becoming very weak and faint. It's only been happening for the past few months. I had a checkup with my doctor but nothing came of it. So, my doctor recommends that the next time it strikes and I'm in the area, I should come in and get my blood drawn to find out what's up. I would have driven right to the doctor's then... however I was too far and I didn't think I could make it all by myself with heavy machinery.

After I felt better, I decided that I was going to take another way home (there are two approaches to Time Warp. The scenic route and the more "direct" one. I took the scenic route there). Driving past Pier One, I decided to stop in there to see what treasures I can snag up. It was there that I found some very cool wrapping paper and ribbon. I also stopped into the Rag Shop where I got all the materials I would need to make 3D Japanese cards and an embroidery kit. I've never embroidered before and I needed something to do while I watched TV instead of just staring at the screen. I also bought Els an unpainted box (to paint and decorate herself) and a patch for her to give to Jean for Valentine's Day. Els commented how cute it was and how brilliant I was for coming up with a nifty, inexpensive, meaningful present idea (total? Less than $5).

Getting back on Route 46, I encountered a nightmare. Traffic I've never seen before, backed up for miles. So, I decided that I had enough direction-savvy and decided I could take the local roads home. I got turned around once I reached a road I recognized, but I made it home. I had Els wrap Mike's presents: I'm terrible at wrapping gifts.

We had dinner and afterwards, I insisted to Mike that he should open the present of the anime. As a pre-Valentine's gift, since we wouldn't have time tomorrow to watch it and we needed something to do on a Saturday evening. He opened it and we eagerly began watching the show.

My Dear Marie is about a scientist who is in love with one of his female classmates. He decides to build an android that looks exactly like the object of his affections. Like all semi-romantic movies, I get all mushy inside and my snuggling index increases. I cuddled up next to him in bed. At very pause of the movie, I would ask him if I he thought I was attractive and if he found me sexy. He answered in a strong affirmative. Still, I started feeling more and more insecure.

Finally, between the second and third episodes on the tape and I had my head on his chest, he turned to me and asked, "Eileene, is there something wrong?"

I burst into tears.

I've never been able to keep anything from Mike. For a while, I felt like I couldn't trust him and I hid part of my life from him, but that's another story for another day. These days, I can't keep anything from Mike. In the past, I wouldn't open myself up to my partners. I hid my angst and frustrations, because I feared that they wouldn't understand my frustrations. Or even worse, mock me for them. With Mike, it's different. He's such a rationalist and a realist that I trust that his reply to me would be one that is thought out and reasonable. So, I keep nothing from him. And it all started pouring out of me.

The fact that I've gained weight has been festering in my mind for the past year. I hate it. When I entered college, I didn't have enough weight on me to donate blood. I would be rejected because I was too light. Now, I've long surpassed that weight. I gained ten pounds in college and dozens more after I became a full-time programmer. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing what I consider a fat chick staring back at me. I hate having my clothes that I wore only two years ago not fit me anymore. I find it all very frustrating.. and discouraging. I know that I could be the that thin femme that I used to be.. with a little effort. But sometimes, it just feels so discouraging and that I could never be thin again. And that increases my Sloth-ness. And I get more fat.

When I burst into tears, I just started rambling about my weight problem. How I really feel unattractive and unsexy, even though Mike always affirms my attractiveness and sexiness in his eyes. Mike wants me to lose some weight, but only so that I can be healthy.

"I want you to be able to jog a short distance or walk up a hill and not be out of breath."

"It's just so hard. Will you help me?"

"I'm afraid that I will get you angry if I push too hard."

"I need someone to push me. I want to look good and feel good."

"Ok, I'll help push you. What do you think we need to do?"

I began listing the various things I could do to help me get better. I needed music or something comparible to listen to while I walk on the treadmill, so we planned to purchase books on tape and a tape player for me tomorrow. We would also go grocery shopping and would get me healthy snacks like crackers and fruit bars, to help stop me from chewing on potato chips. He would help me help myself and kick me in the rear. I promised not to get too angsy and frustrated on him. I've got to start watching what I eat and eat less. Exercise more. Walk more. This is a war that I don't want to fight. Thankfully, Mike is here by my side. I feel that I can do this.

After I wiped away my tears, Mike and I continued watching the rest of the anime. I enjoyed it. Mike thought it was eh. He liked All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku better, since it has a similar premise. I became very sleepy and I went up to check my email and go to bed.

I saw my digital camera on the shelf staring back at me. But I couldn't get myself to position on it and pose for a picture. I picked up the camera and put it in its carrying case. My tears are too close to the surface right now for me to do it.